I am really unhappy and I feel like I can't tell anyone in my life. So instead I say it here. How terrible of me.

I have had a mentally exhausting month.

Poooo. I have been so bad an updating the past I don't even know how many months. I promise that is going to change! My livejournal has always been a constant in my life the past few years, though I do drift in and out of use. Sometimes I need it more than others, I guess then is now.

Anyway! I look forward to reading about everyone and their posts!

Feel free to add on
Twitter: astaraell
AIM: Let It Be Btl
Facebook: facebook.com/iheartsalazar

Just so we can all get back into the swing of things!!

More to come later. I need a new layout. Suggestions?

Anyway, I have some Thai pineapple fried rice calling my name.

Hope everyone enjoys their 4th!!

Ah crap. I hardly update you anymore, trusty eljay.

Life has been...life? Interesting, busy, full of happy stuff, a touch of sad stuff, and way less dramatic then it used to be.

Work is fantastic, I am in the top percent of the whole center. School is school. I have a new apartment lease coming up in May, it's beautiful.

I'm not sure what else. I hope everyone is well! I hope I get a chance to update this more!!! Hope everyone is doing really well!!!

If anyone wants my twitter/myspace/facebook, let me know! I check those more :)

Poo. So after 48 hours of food poisoning, I can eat again. Any suggestions on lunch?

Sorry I haven't been around to comment and post lately, I have been home and in Ohio the last 10 days.

I am not really ready to leave.

Somebody make this easy.

A whole bunch o' shit went down.

Fabulous.

How is everyone else?

When I am in Tennessee I'll have time for everyones posts, I am not trying to be a bad eljay friend ):

Ahhh. Just wanted to say hi (:

On my way to Thai food with Jon and Chance.

Comment love and entry readin' comin your way tonight!

I really feel like T-Mobile is consuming my life. Maybe just because this is my first full time job and it is consuming my life. Does everyone else who works full time feel like their job takes over their life?

Speaking of T-Mo. It was crazy customer day. T-Mobile has this feature called "Family Allowances", some pretty rad stuff. Allows you to to minute restrictions on that ass hole on your family plan who hogs all the minutes. Anyway, some chauvinist bastard decides to grace my line today, complaining his wife is using all the minutes and putting them into overage. Naturally, I offered Family Allowances, he thought it was a good idea. Only stipulation, customer care does not handle the allowances set, the customer is the one who controls it on their own, through mytmo.com. Anyway, I tell guy this, and he starts SCREAMING at me. Telling me no woman can tell him whether or not he can or cannot put restrictions on his wife. I tried explaining he didn't need permission from anyone, he just needed internet access to get the service started, and that he had complete control over any stipulations and guidelines for his Family Allowances. He continues to scream at me, telling me I am some stupid little woman he doesn't need to take orders from. DEAR FREAKING LORD. I wanted to jump through my phone and strangle this man. Instead, I offer to find him the nearest t-mo store so they can help him set it up, as in between his insults to women, he mentioned he was not very computer literate. Then the freaking ass hole starts saying he can't go to computer school to learn how to do this, WTF? Then he tells me I need to pay for him to go "computer school". Yeah, let me put that under the "computer school" adjustment code, my supervisor will approve that right away. Fuck. He insulted me, his wife, women in general, called us lower creatures, and the whole time I have to be nice to this prick until I can complain about him on livejournal.

On the other hand though, I had a hilarious customer too. Valerie, my desk make, was singing the Mickey Mouse song, and my customer must of had good hearing, and started singing along with it. Hilarious, serenading as he called it, just for his t-mo rep :P Gave me a good laugh. I swear all my calls were long today, my handle time blew. Meh. And now they are starting to give us metrics about how many of our callers call back with 48 hours of us taking their call. I understand it is to push us to make sure we are more thorough, but really, some people are just going to call back, over, and over, and over. And you cannot do anything! No matter how thorough you are. Like the guy I had yesterday, had started service with us on 2/13/09, since then he has called us 187 TIMES! Over, and over, and over. And to complain about his wife, service, Obama, all sorts of stuff. Most not even to do with my phone. When I answered the phone "Thanks for calling t-mobile, this is Lauren, can I get your first and last name?" he responds with "DAMN IT CAN THEY CALL THE POLICE ON ME?!" *pause* "sir, can who call the police on you?" (him) "THEM DAMN IT, DON'T YOU KNOW! CAN'T YOU SEE IT IN MY ACCOUNT?!" (I have no phone number and no account in front of me, it just went no where nice from there)

Anyway, I am cleaning out phone pictures, so... picture time!


( Peectures )
Yeah. That was a picture Jon and I took in the seedy hotel we stayed in when we too drunk to drive home. Memories.

I love the food network. You have no idea. Argh. I am really trying to lose weight. Tennessee has done its worst to my weight. I figure I can supplement my lessened eating by watching more food on tv. I have cable for the first time in my life, I swear it is the only thing I watch now.

Anyway, I am actually doing fantastic with reducing my portions, eating better, and being more active. I sit on my ass 8 hours a day, it is doing me good. Goal, go from size 5 back on a 2 or 3 in pants. I am a little person, so I'm not being ridiculous. Woo.

Yesterday when downtown, we were in the parking garage and there was this woman absolutely berating her husband/boyfriend/male friend/something. It was almost funny, scolding him like a child. All of a sudden he snapped, dragged her into the stairwell and started hitting her. At this point I am midway through the line to leave the garage and we couldnt get out. And I was like, damn it. We are those people on those Dateline specials who don't do anything. We did tell a cop though, and went back to make sure if she was okay. It just took us a second. Boo us. Though I couldn't take anyone down. Four foot nine of fury, still can't do much. Damn it.

Valentines day was nice, went out to some fancy pantsy place. Jon gave me a ring, it is pretty. And some peridot earings, my birthstone. It was HILARIOUS on the way out, the owner goes up to Jon and starts saying congrats, Jon looks like a deer in headlights. Owner for sure things he proposed. As soon as Jon came back I, I "scolded" him for not acting more happy about our special moment, and laughed until I about threw up in my fancy dress.

Anyway, I went through about as many posts as I could, my eyes are burning from looking at a screen all day.

And I lost my phone ): Poo

If nothing is going right, I have always baked.


I figured a rainbow would be appropriate. Follow up pictures later! She is baking

Jon is watching Battlestar Gallactica. I swear, I can't stand that show. Sorry if any of you all like it, but come on. I swear if I have to over hear the word "frak" one more time I am going to punch an infant.

Anyway, sorry I haven't been around the past few days, I have had an AWFUL case of the flu. Blech. Hacky, coughy, snotty, you know, the whole hot number. /pose Anyway, sorry I haven't been writing or commenting, I'll get back to it!

Honestly, everyone, with your wise interwebs option, are relationships supposed to be hard? I mean, I know there should be some work involved. But on the same hand, I think if it is right, it should just work. You know? Or is that too juvenile and fairy tale. I have sort of been chewing on the idea the last few days.

p.s.
I love infants, and would never punch one, even if they said Frak 8786767565 more times. Though I hope they don't <3 Yay babies!

So work today was a trip. Normally it is the customers that are crazy, today it was the dealers. For serious. I was treated as if I were the enemy all day long. I actually got cussed out by one. Come on bud, I am on your side in the war against the crazy t-mo customers! We go through the drama, the lies, the hate. We have been there, together, through the deaths of all 5 grandmothers some customers claim to have in hopes of getting sympathy credits. We have been there through the constant whining for bonus minutes, and crying when ones 14 year old daughter has gone over her text messages by 12,000. Why yell at me? Gah. What a day.

Oh well.

I tried to get Jon to watch Iron Chef with me. He fell asleep. What a lame ass. I have cable for the first time in my life. And a Tivo. What am I using it for? Old Iron Chef episodes. Hell yeah. Oh well. More on that later. I am getting tired, tomorrow is my day off. More then.

Hell yeah.

I am posting! And I actually believe I will continue posting! This whole year in Tennessee I have barely paid any attention to you eljay. All this has changed. I have much to bitch, rant, laugh, and cry about to you and the virtual world. But all that will start later!

So, I had to work today, far too many called. Seriously, super bowl people. Be out enjoying your Sunday, or home watching the game and laughing at the mediocre commercials. Do not call customer care, really. And especially do not call customer care if you are watching the game, thus are too distracted to talk to me. Oh the stories, I will fill you all in some stories later.

In case you didn't know, I work for t-mobile customer care. I love/hate it.

Oh, and speaking of the Super Bowl. God Kurt Warner is hot. I am not usually into the athletes, or the old men. But swoon, Kurt is a hottie. Fer serious.

I have so much to say, and am a bit too tired to say any of it. Catch me up people! How is the world of eljay?

Anywho. Here are some pictures of my company banquet. I underage drank in front of my manager. She was awesome, we took drunk pictures together. I will have to talk more about it later, I don't know why the hell I didn't take more pictures. Damn me!!


( Say What? )

Hot damn I need to update this more. Updates and love coming soon! Is everyone well? I sure hope so!

I think I've chilled out a little. I started work, I'm making friends of MY OWN. Not just Jon's, though Jon's are still lovely <3 I am working now! Though I didn't have to work today, and got paid, hell yeah! I finally figured out how to talk to friends at home again and not just want to cry. My parents and I are getting along again, and so are Jon and I. There are still a few things I want to be different than he and I, but I just need to appreciate him being sweet in his own way. I got all huffy and upset about stuff today, and he detoured us on the way to going out to eat so I could see the ducks. Ducks make feel better <3 I have a lot of pictures I need to put up. Did I mention work was pretty sweet?

Today I got rudely reminded of why I'm glad I got the fuck out of Toledo, and I also got reminded why I miss it so much, and am going to be happy to go back and visit. Danielle will be here to visit soon! Woo. There will be much drinking of the booze.

Shiat. I still haven't gotten my grilled cheese and spaghettio's. How lame is that?

Oh well. Jon and I are off to go play somewhere <3 Toodles!

+
I need that right now. Someone feed me it, then play with my hair.

Yeah well, I grew some theoretical balls and had a chat with Jon. Not EVERYTHING I wanted to say was said, but some is better than none, especially for my non communicating self. I don't think I even know how to say everything I want to say. He apologized, he went to the store and bought me chocolate and bubble bath, he hugged me, he tried to fix it, the next day was... decent. We ended up getting in another fight on Monday. I'm getting so sick of fighting. I really, really am. Yesterday was a good day. But like he said to me when we were sitting on seperate bunk beds, not actually looking at one another, a good day shouldn't be the rarity.

I can't tell if I am just being overly needy, or if we just aren't clicking the way we are supposed to. Maybe I just expect too much. But, I do know for sure in some aspects, he put more effort into prior relationships, and I don't think he even gets it. During our fight we somehow got onto cooking (I make him dinner at night so he has it when he is off of work), and he says he doesn't cook for me because he tried with Tory, and she didn't like it, or was mean about it, or something. And it just sort of hits a raw nerve that he would at least TRY with her, but not with me, I understand that its discouraging that it didn't go well, but little gestures and acts of effort mean so much to me. I don't need lots of "stuff", or things bought for me, things like being cooked for, little notes, forehead kisses, cards, lame cliche signs of caring are what I want. Grah... Maybe I was just too spoiled before. I've had my lunch made for me, and silly notes left in places for me to find, flowers just because, and dumb little things.

Oh well. Onward to more pleasant things. I START WORK SUNDAY! WEEEEEE. I don't think I've ever been so happy to WORK. T-Mobile is the winner, 13.55 an hour, plus an extra 50 cents for working after 7:30, which I do every day I work, and an extra dollar for working on a weekend, which I do. Plus all sorts of other silly benefits. And, I know someone I work with ^-^ Josh, one of Jons' friends who we hang out with all the time is in my training class. Oh, and when I was there for my blitz hiring, I already got hit on some weirdo. He said "if this is how they make em' in Ohio, I don't know what I'm doing here" x_x Oh snap.

I really want an xbox360. Someone buy me one, I'll love you forever.

I talked to my parents finally. It's doing alright. I missed talking to my momma :[ But it's better now ^-^ She told me I was getting an accent :[ :[ :[ :[ I don't wanna sounds southeeeeeern. I said "rainsin'" And she just BUSTED out laughing. Gah.

I miss being up all night talking to people. I need someone to talk to me until I can't stay awake anymore again. :/

Valentines day tomorrow. Hope it goes well for everyone, havin' a sweetie or not.

I again have to apologize for being a shit livejournal friend, I've lost a lot of motivation, but I'll spring back, promise.

I want to go home. Really just want to go home. I want my crabby parents, and my friends that sometimes make me mad, I want my dog that barks too much, I want the snow and the cold, I want everything I didn't want before I came here.

I'm not sure if I mean all that, I'm just having a really, really, really, shitty day.

As if being bored and alone in the house all day isn't enough, I was trying to play WoW on Jon's laptop, and while the patch was downloading, I was fiddling on the internet and getting pictures of my photobucket and whatnot so I could make a collage for my wallpaper. Anyway, I REALLLY wish Microsoft secured accounts more, because I did a photo search (I lost one of the pictures I had saved off the internet). I figured it would just show me the pictures on my account, he has a password protected account and what not, so I never would have guessed it would have started showing me pictures from his account. Whatever, I looked at a few, and then just focused on what I was looking for. Whatever, we'll just leave it at I accidentally saw WAY more than I ever wanted to, involving him and his ex girlfriend, and I just wanted to barf and cry. I actually did throw up, sort of, bile I guess. Needless to say, I have refrained from eating today.

Which is funny, because I don't think I've ever been so upset I couldn't eat. I'm a fatty. I always like food. Nothing ever makes me not want to eat food, no matter how upset I get. Whatever. And I guess it's not just this, I'm just getting irritated with everything. He's insensitive, he doesn't talk to me the way he used to, and I feel like I have to work to get any affection out of him. He used to say cute nice things to me, now he doesn't. I feel like I need him more than he needs me, and I hate that. And I mean beyond the fact I have to rely on him more because I'm here not home, I think I'd feel like I need him more than he needs me even if we were at home. We aren't having a fabulous sex life or anything. So I guess between the lack of affection and that, I feel really unwated. Ugggggh. And then there is baby thing. And then there is I miss home. And then there is I just feel like this isn't working.

I'm don bitching. I haven't bitched in here since I was fifteen years old, I knew how to be happy. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just want someone to hold me and play with my hair. But not him. I don't want to be anywhere near him. I've been pretending everything is okay and it's not.

Oh, and I lost my phone, so fuck that. I can't even feel connected to home.

I know he won't read this, but I almost hope he does because I'll never have the nerve to say any of this because I'm a sissy push over.

Fuck this. Someone save me, or hope that I figure out how to save myself.

I have to catch up on everyones entries, I promise I will do it tomorrow, I have all day. Jon works a double, boo.

I've never been great at dealing with ex girlfriends, but I'm starting to find it's even harder to deal with ex girlfriends and babies. Though, I haven't really encountered baby yet, so maybe it gets even harder. I think I would be slightly more alright with it if they didn't do things like, discuss her sex life, or if she wasn't still madly in love with him. Stuff like that tends to send the discomfort level skyrocketing a few hundred notches. I guess I just worry this is all a little beyond my maturity levels. Or who knows, maybe I'll have one of those shining moments, through the adversity. I'm just sort of finding it hard to jump two feet in, though, I have already jumped in pretty damn far.

I guess I might also just have some residual resentment of the fact he and I never really had a "honeymoon phase" You know, where it was all nice and easy, with no real problems to deal with? Yeah, we never got one of those. It was hard from the start, we do not come from an ideal situation. In any one way shape or form. From the moment we realized we had feelings for each other, only to have to bury, deny, and not act on for months, to now. And then whenever baby is around, I'm quite sure its mother has a sour misconception of my role in everything that happened. I pushed and supported his going back and trying, even if it killed me inside, and I get the impression she thinks I was a part of them falling apart. So, if this ever went much farther, I would for sure be evil step mother, which would just kill me inside all over again. Ugggh.

Oh, and Tony isn't talking to me, yippee.

I wish I had lame easy problems to deal with, seriously.

Oh well, Jon and I are going to Cafe Coco when he gets home, and I have to go make him dinner since he'll be home soon, blech.

Promise I'll comment everyones stuff later!

I hope this is worth it in the end, no matter how it works out.

Aww sheeeeeeeeit. I'm hyper. And I don't have anywhere to release the energy except here.

My parents sent me a text message that said, "please call home so we know you are okay" for some reason I really don't want to. I'm going to, so they don't worry, no one should have to worry, but I just want you all to know, I'm not ready to deal with it and I don't want to. Whine.

Alright, I meant to talk about this before, but who has seen Garden State? Because I was pumped for it to be all kids of awesome, but it suuuuuucked (oh shit, am I offending the masses?). I liked the soundtrack, it having Frou Frou on it was pretty BAMF, but other than that, no, it was lame, and it sucked. But I liked the line about how he knew true love was when his momma offered him her sleeve.

Last night, I sort of just needed a good cry (okay, something provoked it, but I don't feel like getting into it), so I waited for Jon to get off the phone, and then I was like, we need to go upstairs so I can cry, and he was just sort of like err... Yeah, well, his career in comforting started off pretty bad, he just kept asking me what was wrong, I kept not wanting to answer, and then he started this "well you didn't tell me last time eiher, whine, I am going to make you feel worse than you already are". Grah, he ended up leaving the room, but he came back. It was one of those times where I just needed someone to hold me and play with my hair so I could get it out. He figured it out, and gave me exactly what I needed, then apologized for earlier. He even offered his sleeve to snotty, crying Lauren.

It was a nice two days with him home on his days off. We went out to the mall, and then more shopping, and then eating and stuffs. I cooked dinner for him, his mom, and his brother. Oh shit, we went to the park and I saw fiiiiiiive dears in a field and.... WILD TURKEYS. I've never seen a damn wild turkey, but I saw about 3874283454 them in the woods. We also hung out with his friend Kasey and his Fiance Kelli, she and I agreed we much hang out with each other soon. So first female friend made, go me.

And at least for today, I am doing alright with the Jon going out with me, even if it is after work. He at least asked this time, and asked if I wanted him to come back and get me, I told him I didn't care if he went off without meee. He has to talk to his ex girlfriend about child support tonight, he asked me if I was alright with it. I thought that was a sort of silly question, what sort of supportive partner would I be if I was standing in the way of that? Granted, it's a reality check I don't always want to acknowledge, and is a little beyond my lacking maturity level, but I'm dealing with everything best I can.

Anyway, picture time.


Never go to lens crafters, I wouldn't trust anyone with my eyes that can't even spell optometry... Retards.
( More pictures )
OH and someone should IM me on aim, I'm bored and lonely. Let It Be Btl.